TTLY

TTLY is my new term that I have been using (with myself) for This Time Last Year. As the month of April wears on, it is virtually impossible for me to fight off the feeling of crushing dread that I fear the month of May will bring for me. I have heard that the first year (and all the firsts - birthdays, holidays, etc) are the most difficult after you lose a loved one, and I have to say that I am happy to be ending the first year soon even though I am not sure that I will find the relief that I am hoping for, but the one thing that I know about the past year is that my emotions and reactions have been nothing if not unpredictable.

It seems that emotions and memories and the whole package hits me the most when I am not prepared and caught off guard - and usually at the small things...I always dread and prepare for the bigger things (Christmas, my birthday...) and they seem to come and go without too much pain...so, I just don't know. May is just full of landmines for me....mom's birthday is May 4th and last year we celebrated her last birthday (her 61st) at home with her very sick, and the following Monday we saw her dr and admitted her to the hospital where we celebrated mother's day with her. Shortly after that, we made the tough decision to bring her home with hospice knowing full well that short of a miracle that we would be bringing her home to die. And those last days at home were sheer torture. Wanting her to live and keep her with me as long as possible but knowing that I had to let her go - that I had to find a way to tell her to let go after I had been pushing her to fight. And then it finally happening on the 24th of May and her memorial on the 26th. I look back and wonder how I didn't cease to exist then as well.

I have made it through this year like most who have lost someone that once meaned the world to them - by putting one foot in front of the other and marching on...finding what joy and happiness that I can in knowing that it's the natural order of things; once we are born, we know that we will one day die. And savoring my life, my friendships, my children and trying to find meaning in my life and my little slice of the world. And some days, just keeping myself as busy as possible or blocking all the memories and feelings completely and when all else fails, giving into it all - the sadness, the regret, the anger, the tears. But making it through and in one whole piece, and for that I can say I am proud, and I know mom would be too.

The one big thing that I have come to know this past year is that you feel and experience the void of somone you loved way more than you ever experienced their presence. I hope that makes sense, and I don't think there is anything we can do about it. We can appreciate the ones that we still have in our lives but only to a point...you can't really 'feel', 'experience' whatever until they have left you. I loved my mom deeply, completely and unconditionally when she was alive, I cherished her and did not take her for granted...we had a GREAT relationship and talked often...we traveled together, shopped together, watched movies....we shared life daily, but I have never experienced anything WITH her as fully as I experience her ABSENCE in my life. It is still physically painful at times - the void she left in my life. I am EXTREMELY thanful for the time we had....but the time we don't will haunt me until the end of my life.

I have come to view myself (all of us) as a being with our loved ones and forces of life (work, hobbies, etc.) all around us (the nerd in me visualizes myself like a molecule of something say oyygen surrounded and binded to molecules of say hydrogen - well like this graphic). In concentric circles, we are surrounded first by those closest to us then then the next cicrle out is bigger and a bit more distant and then the next and next, but all surrounding us and providing equal and constant pressure on us holding us all in place, safe and secure in a protected suspended animation...but then one of your closest hydrogens is gone and a big reaction happens....you feel the void so profoundly because all the other forces are there but the void leaves you feeling vulnerable and unprotected. You feel like you might just collapse and get pushed out the opening and then just float away and be lost forever.

Ok, I'll stop now...I know I am getting way too deep and heavy on you...I'm just trying to get out of my own head and hopefully make it through the month of May. Outside of all my TTLY issues, May will be a busy month. Ethan graduates pre-K in May.