Part of my pervasive happiness and well-being might be attributed to some other factors that are more temporal and physiological rather than just geographic. I continue to 'heal' as I put more 'distance' from the loss of my mom; they do say time heals, and it does to some extent. I have just accepted that I will always bear those scars, but I do now see them as more scars and not open wounds.
Silly to say but I also feel that (VD3) - vitamin D is my new best friend! That's right, a plain, simple VITAMIN has changed my life! Vitamin D3 (liquid form) is a life saver for me! My blood work from last fall showed that I was extremely deficient and have subsequently been on a pretty substantial dose of the sub-lingual format of the supplement. I have more energy, better moods and I am *hopefully* better absorbing my calcium. Total game changer for me. Seems it is pretty common this deficiency, and you don't always realize it or the impact it has. Even the medical community overlooks it and instead looks to anti-depressant medications or other remedies when it might be a simple vitamin deficiency.
I know I have been a lax blogger of late, but I have been busy living life. I do feel the urge to blog, but it is at the oddest times - most usually while driving or in spin class though sometimes in the shower. I get an idea and an urge to get it out, but it just never makes it here (or on paper)...just usually create a post in my head and go on about my day; afterall, those places are not the most conducive to writing/blogging! Even tonight, I should be in bed...but I can't sleep until I convey some thoughts and feelings.
Ryan has always been more resistant to kissing, hugging and generally expressing himself emotionally. I believe it is partly his personality, but mostly I think he just needs to exert his control over the very limited range of areas that are under his domain at this point in his life. His giving and receiving of physical displays of affection are one of those few areas for him. And generally, we respect those boundaries though I will admit it's a challenge for me - and one I don't always win (picture me just breaking down and laying a hug and kiss on him! - he is so darn irresistible so I can't be blamed!). He has gotten a bit better (with David and I at least) but only 'in private' as he says and usually at bed time. He will kiss me on each cheek and sometimes my forehead and chin. It is even more precious because it is such a gift and he knows it and treats it as such.
Tonight at bed time, Ryan and I had a few quiet moments together, and I had a very simple realization, as Ryan is lying there on his pillow with a pleased and almost prideful look on his face after making me so happy with just a couple kisses, a hug and an 'I love you mommy' (he knows what his mommy wants most!) - and he is fresh from the shower smelling yummy and looking his most innocent with his big green eyes (over the past year, his blue eyes went to hazel and now almost all green) staring up at me, and I am compelled by what I see there in his eyes to say to him, "You are a very special man, Ryan D" and I see there in those eyes that he believes me - just because I said it and for no other reason, he is completely and utter convinced that he is special....maybe with a little luck and a lifetime of saying it, he will always know that it is true.
Later it occurs to me that it IS just that simple. Our kids believe what we, their parents and role-models tell them, not just verbally but otherwise with our body language, our decisions, the way we choose to spend time with them, the way we respect them, what they see us doing when no one else is watching, how we treat their mom or dad or the dog or strangers. The way we let them safely exert their independence and indulge their interests. The way we trust them and allow them freedoms even when it kills us to do so. It all adds up to them. They know if we say one thing and mean another. They absorb it all; and it forms them in a way that can't be changed later. I realized that we sometimes get busy and bogged down in day to day life, and we lose sight of this simple fact. We focus so strongly on what we want for them and how we want them to behave or eat or learn or play....we start to criticize more than compliment or admonish more than admire, and *that* is what they hear and perceive. Not how special they are, or how well they behave, or how smart or talented they are but just how they 'need to do better'.
I am a realist (along with an optimist :) - the glass is always half full but it is also *just* a glass afterall (LOL!) so I know that we can't (and shouldn't) always be positive or be falsely so. Our children aren't perfect, and it is our JOB to ensure they can grow to be independent and ready for the world which is not all rainbows and butterflies (wouldn't it be nice if your boss only came at you with only positive exhalations!)...but I am mindful that I'd like to keep the balance a lot more on the positive and constructive side AND strive to always see that look of love and pride in both sets of sweet, innocent eyes in my life (the blue set and the green set!) for as logs as it is within my power to preserve it.
While I am on the subject of Ryan - little mr independence decided he wanted a faux hawk which is sort of a spiky down the middle hair cut - nothing too drastic. So, why not, he's only going to be my little 6 year old for another couple weeks....so, we went to sports clips and got him a new do! A spiky, red faux hawk and it is so adorable!
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| Trying to look tough with our new spiky look |
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| Almost 7! Don't grow up too fast my Ryan |
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