Yesterday was chilly and rainy and just a miserable day...and so very fitting. All the rain is a great companion to tears. It just felt right to be sad and grieve yesterday. The day we lost mom, it was Saturday of Memorial Day weekend 2008 and it was a GORGEOUS, sunny, warm, Spring day with the world awakening from its winter slumber. I am sure it would have been mom's choice, but it felt so wrong. It didn't match the mood. Looking back it was probably G-d's way of softening the worst day the way you gently frame bad news to someone you love; trying to cushion the inevitable pain it will cause.
Today is the funeral and thankfully the rain has gone as we will be outside for the last portion, but the grey skies remain as a testament to our grief. My heart is very heavy today. But, I am happy for my grandma. She was a very dependent and active woman (she wouldn't even accept retirement until she couldn't physically work any longer), so for her to be confined to a bed or wheelchair in a nursing home and rely on others for her care...well, it was a challenge for her, but she rarely complained. She, like all the women in my family, had a quiet acceptance of all things. Such silent strength; you just sense their deep reserve and character. It is hard to describe, but it is as if you were standing by a very deep, still body of water and you aren't really sure what is just below the surface but you sense its awesomeness and depth and power. Your instincts tell you to both fear and respect it. I hope I inherited a small portion of that.
So, I am happy for her because I know she prayed for G-d to bring her home. She has lost her husband and three of her eight children and siblings...well, it is just more than I can even imagine bearing. But, I am sad that she is gone. I do feel some guilty comoft that maybe she is there to look after my mom (her daughter now). I imagine them holding each other like I do with the boys just giving comfort and love through their touch - parent and child reunited. Who doesn't want their mommy to hold them?
I have been coping by being useful which I have found is both my best coping mechanism as well as the best use of my time. Wallowing in the grief isn't really healthy for me. I have been working on collecting, uploading and editing photos and putting them into a tribute movie. I have been doing the paperwork, taking care of the finances, making notifications. But today, today is my morning to grieve and say goodbye. The boys are at school, so I have all the time that I need. The funeral is at 2pm. I have given my self this morning through the funeral to be and do what I need. After that, I will do the best I can to move on.
Speaking of moving on, we actually have a pta meeting tonight in which I will be elected as PTA co-president for the next school year. I hadn't wanted to take on that role yet....for many reasons but two of the biggest is our likely impending move across county and my current term as HOA president which isn't up until December 2011...I don't think they had much luck getting anyone else to do it. I suppose when you think about it; you are asking someone to take on a part-time [thankless] job without pay. Everyone is so quick to judge and provide their input - usually from all conflicting angles - but no one wants to do anything about it other than use their words....so, I can see why it isn't such a coveted position...but it enriches our wonderful school and ultimately our children's experiences which makes it worthwhile right? It is also the curse of being reliable and responsible and doing your other jobs well....makes people want to give you more of them. Well, I am one cursed/blessed mamma!
When we make it through this trying week, we do have some quality time with friends and family this weekend. Family dinner Friday night and friend dinner Saturday night. Lots of soccer this weekend (Saturday and Sunday) if it doesn't rain again. For better and worse, life really does go on.
No comments:
Post a Comment