Random (tired) Thoughts

It is late - boys are in bed - and I should be as well. I am EXHAUSTED...but can't sleep. Trying not to focus on tomorrow - one minute at a time. It will just be mom and I at the oncologist tomorrow...dad and Chris want us to report back to them. We are all dealing with everything in our own ways.

I want to apologize to anyone who has emailed or called in the past couple of days and I haven't gotten back to you yet - seems I am always on the phone or online for a medical reason these days.

I was thinking tonight about something ironic and I guess a 'bright side' to all this....my dad and I have had some of the best conversations of our lives recently while waiting in doctors' offices...I don't think he realizes it...but we have nothing else to do, so we are actually talking to each other...stories about the past, sharing ideas, alot about mom and Chris and the boys, but also some really nice stories about my dad and his hobbies and work...makes me want to go back so badly and know more then...I guess it is just nice and would never get dad still long enough or talking enough if her weren't 'forced' into it...so pretty ironic....that by trying to *save* him, I am actually getting to *know* him.

Rube on the other hand....she and I have never talked so little...not even when it was a long distance calls from a very overwhelmed college student...she is just is too tired and has no voice, so we keep it more to the necessities...but, I feel like I already know Rube inside and out....and for the most part, she with me. ..but the cancer is already taking the best of her away...the part I know and love the most - her spirit. Don't get me wrong, she is still the Rube we know and love....she is still fighting and hopeful, and I know she always will be, but she is muted, a watered down version robbed of her essence. I just feel so lost....it would be difficult to deal with this under any circumstances, but it is a double whammy with my mom because she is one of the main ones I turn to for strength, comfort, help, or just to talk, but this time it is about her and I don't have her there in that way, and it is leaving a big void...Rube was (IS) my ROCK, my support, my voice of reason - I am EVERYTHING I am because of Rube...and I feel it all slipping away and I am powerless to stop it.

I HATE cancer...I hate what-if....I hate waiting...I hate knowing....I hate not knowing....I hate 2008...I hate smoking...

I want to wake up to a bad dream - to start this year over...without cancer.