First of all, an amazing, heart-wrenching story that a friend, Tracy Rex, first brough to my attention and I saw on ABC last night (hope some of you saw it as well). Randy Pausch is a professor dying of pancreatic cancer whose story is so inspiring.
Here is the clip from ABC this am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8kUTUIveyA
Here is his 'final lecture' *it is very long but so worth it*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
I think this story would leave me in tears normally, but this really gets me right now.
So, mom called this morning and said she wants to (I don't remember her exact words and don't want to put it the wrong way), but just be done with it. She is VERY tired - in no pain - but tired. I know, and told her, that it is because of the starvation state that her body is in right now. It isn't getting the energy (aka calories) that it needs to fight. So, while the cancer it contributing to the issue, the fatigue is food related. I don't think she should make any decisions in her current exhausted state - we have all been there - the extreme fatigue and stress of early parenthood, the extreme fatigue and stress of finals, the extreme fatigue and stress of illness...and you feel like the fight has left you, that you may as well give up and get it over with ....I can relate, I have been there several times in my life...but the stakes were NEVER nearly this high.
I want her to fight, but I want to honor her wishes. I feel that it is selfish that I want her to fight - it is for me and the boys and dad and Chris, so we can all have another month, day, year with her. Is that fair to her? I don't know how to learn to let go.
She also only sees the negative picture that we have been painted right now...she needs some hope...some survivor stories. I hope she will go to a support group meeting this coming Monday. She is convinced that if she chooses chemo that it won't give her much of anything (a few extra weeks) and that it will be just too unbearable. I can't argue with that because it could be true, but it might not be true....she might not get the side effects badly and it might really work miracles on the cancer...no one knows. I read something recently that really hit me - 'chemo is not the enemy it is a tool, an ally, and sometimes our only hope so embrace it'.
Just all the fighting - fighting conditions, diseases, doctors, insurance companies and sometimes my mom and dad on top of it all....what do you fight, when do you stop for the, how do you keep going.
This just sucks! REALLY SUCKS
The boys and I got out of the house for a while this morning. We went to the park for a playdate with some classmates. Ashley is here now...we are all going to meet my parents at the mall at 3:30 (my dad has an eye exam) and we will have an early dinner. We have to talk about some things that won't be fun to talk about at all...so not looking too forward to it.
David is back in town tonight - hopefully, the airlines are a bit out of whack lately with American cancelling alot of flights. Then tomorrow, while the boys are at school, we are going to do a platelet and blood donation which takes about 2 hours - it will be our quality time (hey, I will have my husband as my captive audience for 2 hours - how to use that?!? :) We also have a date night planned for Saturday night - not sure what we are doing yet, but we have Ashley for the entire evening.
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